Spiritual Parenting with Mimi Doe

Out of Control Kids

FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE TO STAND ON YOUR HEAD TO GET YOUR KIDS TO LISTEN?

This is "Take 2" on OUT OF CONTROL KIDS.  Traci's post  was indicative of the chaos reigning in many frantic households.  It takes more than shifting into appreciation and being grateful for our children's positive qualities to gain control of a situation where kids are holding parents hostage with outrageous behavior.

Take action NOW to create limits, boundaries, consequences, and provide your children with what they truly want the most: a structured, predictable, safe home environment.  Sure, they don't act as if that's what they want...and it's going to be pretty ugly when you start enforcing and sticking by your stated consequences BUT after a few weeks of consistently following through you'll begin to see kids who are calmer, more in control, and can find their center in the midst of an environment that isn't always calling on them to act out.

So, begin simply with the biggest "energy vampire" when it comes to your kid's behavior.  What is "sucking you dry?"  Is it sibling fighting?  If so, call a family meeting, explain clearly to your children what is bothering you and how you plan to go about imposing limits and consequences.  For instance:

"Guys, I hate it when I come home and so look forward to seeing you both and yet the evening ends up being one big shouting match between you two.  I love you both very much.  It's not a contest for who I love most.  I love you so much that this behavior has to stop and here's what our new family rules are around fighting.  I won't ask who started it, I don't want to be the judge.  If you fight, you both go to your rooms for a cooling off time.  You stay in your rooms for x minutes and if you come out before that time, (state consequence).  So, let's give it a go.  By the way, I'd love you guys to plan something special for next Saturday for us all to do.  I have a budget of $50 you can spend on the evening, you make the plans together and let me know. (get them working as a team).

So take it slowly.  Set clear limits and focus on one thing at a time.  Create a predicitable schedule for your time together and stick with your stated consequences.  The minute you back down because you're just too tired to deal with it, your kids gain control and what they want the most, which is to feel as if YOU are in control, is zapped.

I love author Nancy Samalin's work about loving without spoiling.  I'm going to invite her to be a guest here on our blog and answer some of your Q and A's.

Send those my way.

Kids and Control

I hear a lot from frustrated parents who can't seem to step out of control struggles with their kids.  This morning a mom sent me a long list of her 4 1/2 year old daughter's controlling behaviors.  Exasperated, she wondered "what to do?"

I encouraged her to begin by shifting out of the knot of struggle which will just manifest itself in all sorts of behaviors from potty training to sleep issues to food struggles.

I suggested this particular mom set up a specific amount of time, say 2 weeks, where she would focus on all her daughter's positive qualities.  Somehow knowing we have a designated period of time to change our own behavior helps us stick to it!  She would write a gratitude list in the morning or as she was going to bed at night of all she loved and admired in her daughter:  "I am so grateful for this strong, independent daughter and her positive qualities which include..."  She would then visualize HOW she wanted the relationship to FEEL rather than continue to focus on all the areas in which they struggled. 

Her daughter wants to "be the boss of me" and that's clear in her refusal to potty train, eat the meals her mother has prepared or go to bed at night when told.  BUT her mom is buying into the "who is the boss of me" game by feeling the struggle before one even surfaces.

I'm not suggesting we disregard all the practical and pragmatic strategies for helping kids socialize and tap into their positive behavior but rather that we amplify what we LOVE about our kids by focusing on and feeling those feelings.  By shifting out of the struggle OURSELVES so our children, who are like sponges and soak up our feelings, are free to let go of the control gears.

So, imagine how it would FEEL to have harmony with your child.  Give thanks in advance for the joy and fluid sway of your time together.  See her happily going off to bed, using the potty, eating a healthy lunch.  Unlock the clenched place inside that anticipates a struggle.

Make sense?