Lies

Are you raising a teenager?  If so...read on...

Raising teens can knock us off balance.  If we're lucky, we've never been in a deceitful relationship before and teens can indeed -- in the name of independence -- be deceitful at times.  Naturally this makes us uneasy and defensive.

Lies, deception, and dishonesty are unattractive Spirit-squashing traits, to be sure. The very words sound sordid and dark, and way beyond anything that would touch our orderly lives. Yet, teens lie. And teens hear their parents lie. Often, kids are nurtured in an uneven emotional environment where lies, evasion, and double messages are the rule. We don't mean to be models of dishonesty, but habits are hard to break.

I did an informal study of my own, spending a lot of time talking with teenagers about lying. Here's the essence I gleaned of why many of our sons and daughters aren't telling the truth:

- Kids don't want to let their parents down. They feel an enormous pressure to live up to the high expectation their family has for them. Lying is often easier than disappointing Mom and Dad.

- Fear of punishment is a big incentive for kids to lie.

- Many kids have admitted that telling a small lie is a way to test the waters, to gain independence. It's an aspect of rebelling, of pushing boundaries.

- They use lying as a way to seek revenge against "the system." And, lying doesn't really matter, they think. What difference does it make, in the scheme of things, if I tell a lie?

- There is a fine line between exaggerating and lying, and many kids continue to ignore it.

- For some teens, lying is a way to finally get their parent's attention. The statement, "I hate school, my math teacher has it out for me," may peak a parent's interest.

- Often a teen will lie rather than risk losing the closeness of a friendship. There is a Hopi saying that helps us understand, however, that lying impacts our own spirits: "Lose your temper and you lose a friend; lie and you lose yourself."

We can do the courageous and difficult work of getting honest in our own lives. We need to be honest with our children, and especially with ourselves. Stop telling white lies to get yourself out of uncomfortable situations or sidestepping the truth in order to get what you want. "You didn't receive that paperwork? Gee, that's odd because I went it last week." Be truthful and your teen will see how you take responsibility. "I'm sorry - I should have sent the papers but I just haven't gotten to it. I will send them by overnight mail at my expense."

We lose our credibility with teens if we are less than honest. What they want is parents who are "real" and tell it like it is. When we do the tough work of getting honest with our kids, they will have more courage to do the same with us.

What have you done when your son or daughter has been less than honest?

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Comments

[Mimi]

Gena,

Thanks for posting your clear example of trusting your children. Your son will experience directly how deceit can cause distance and distrust in a relationship and then he can make different choices next time.

Best,
Mimi

[Gena Larson]

Thank you for your blog posts! With my children, I have told them that I trust them until they give me reason not to. My 18 year-old daughter has been given great freedom as she has shown herself honest and trustworthy. My almost 16-year-old son, just recently, gave me reason to not trust him by going someplace I had told him he wasn't allowed to go. Wouldn't you know; his grandmother ran into him there and casually and innocently mentioned it the next time we visited her home. :-) My son knew the gig was up, and later that evening we had a good talk about why he decided to go anyway and not tell me. His heart remained open during our conversation, and I told him he will need to be more diligent to check in with me for the next little bit as he works to prove he is indeed trustworthy. He needs to know that he can regain my trust, and that he can be a trustworthy person. I am sure he will prove that.